He kissed a someone with a penis
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
