so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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