Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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