My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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