I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
