Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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