we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize