When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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