i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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