I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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