I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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