Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
