there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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