i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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