i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
