at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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