Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
