3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
