I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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