1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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