last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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