Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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