yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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