Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
