dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
