There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
