the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
