I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize