no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
