Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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