my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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