There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
