Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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