i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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