Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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