3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize