: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
