franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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