I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
