i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
