just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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