I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
