im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
