I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize