man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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