I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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