My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
