Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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