I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
