ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize