It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize