My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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