He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
